Of all the talk, this is the one that rings true.

Along with you can lead a horse to water You can’t make it drink…                              Make hay while the sun shines.                I’m also  leaning towards Aesop’s            Slow and Steady wins the race.           

Lately I have trying to gain a new perspective,  a new teaching,  maybe something we missed along the way.   

Our children want our attention and affection. Waste that time and everyone suffers. 

Make hay while the sun shines with them.

Dennis Mantin 

I was in a relationship in a past life with a woman who every time something went wrong she said,  ” It’s your fault.”

One time after hearing this for the umpteenth time I said,  ” Well maybe then we should go to couples counseling to fix me. ” 

She agreed. 

The therapist,  a man called Dexter, had us each fill out the same questionnaire of 360 questions and on about the 4th visit to Dexter,  I got impatient and strongly suggested that Dexter quit wasting time and tell me what was wrong with me. 

Dexter told me that I had the worst temper he’d ever encountered, however I wasn’t the one with the problem… she is.  Dexter said,  ” I’m a professional and I’m scared of you… imagine how the rest of them feel. ” 

” What’s the problem she has? ” I asked,  unable to contain my joy.

Dexter said,  ” She has what we call Stinking thinking, and this has nothing to do with you.”

I ended that relationship right there and offered to pay for her therapy with Dexter, because I knew she wouldn’t. 

She accepted. 

On the 3rd trip to deliver her to Dexter by herself I noticed her smiling at me. I asked her,  ” What’s up? “

She said,  ” I just wanted you to know that the only reason I’m doing this is to waste your money. “

I dropped her off to Dexter and waited 45 minutes before knocking on his door.  Dexter was happy to see me. I told him what she said and handed him the last cheque I gave him. 

Lessons…

Water under the bridge. 

Dennis Mantin 

I remember the shame…  Lamenting the bad hand. 

Feeling that need to lie and then the guilt.

And all the fucking time dragging on so painfully slow…

Awareness of the waste of time and lacking the ability to make a plan…

The focus on the party ended when the invitation was withdrawn, finally!

Dennis Mantin 

I watched from the sidelines…                   A Saturday parade had all the markings of people are not going anywhere in a hurry today. 

I remembered a first date where she told me about all the diets she’d been on.        I said I’d never counted a calorie in my life. It’s funny how you know when 

things are going nowhere… and fast!

Dennis Mantin 

She asked me if she was talking to me. I assured her she was. She asked how I was. I said “I was sleeping now I’m talking to you.”

She was from a financial institution I deal with and I forgot to make a payment. I answered her questions. I told her it would be dealt with in a timely fashion.

She asked another question that began with WHY!

I hung up after saying, “I’ve answered your questions. ”

I really wish I could have developed this cavalier don’t give a fuck attitude earlier.

Regrets too few to mention however the past held so much worrying over nothing.

Dennis Mantin

The T-shirt reads you can’t fix stupid Really? Is education not an option?

There’s a quote by Herbert Spenser, who coined the phrase,’ Survival of the Fittest ‘

Which reads… ‘ There’s a principal which is a bar against all information and proof against all arguments and can not help but keep a man in everlasting ignorance. That principal is contempt prior to investigation.’

Right there Herbert Spenser fixed stupid.

Dennis Mantin

Her mother is always tired now.              Always with that excuse.                              There’s little joy to be had here.        Learning practiced lines predictably old. Expressions of complaint ever at the ready.                                                    Happiness will happen elsewhere.        Sick now, one ailment begats another.  Either under the pile, which is the norm, Or standing topside boasting in the spotlight.                                                      “My father’s a doctor.”                         Finds its way to many conversations… 

The original abandonment and zero awareness of the addiction to the attention required.

I am the middle                                                The safety zone                                                  Waiting Question                                        The calm                                                          The Quiet                                                             I am your Daddy                                                 I am not a Doctor 

I am here my Love.

Dennis Mantin 

                               

He took a breath deep like it would be his last and squeezed his eyelids closed, and after a second; release…

A large ball of moisture forced its way through his lashes and rolled intact down his cheek and stayed that way, whole… for what seemed longer than the seconds it lived, before shattering into his salad below. 

Till this day It’s the largest single tear I have seen. His mother said he never ever cried… even as a baby. 

He opened his eyes and said,  ” I don’t think I can take it anymore.”

I couldn’t imagine what he was dealing

 with and about 10 years later he reached a point where he truly could not take it.  I wish I could have done more Tom.

I always felt it such an honor to witness that tear.

Dennis Mantin 

I swung the pick into the earth as the odor of alcohol filtered through flesh rose around me like an aura of rotting faith. 

My coworker choked a comment,   ” The stench of alcohol coming through your pores is awful…”
I took it as a sign that my way wasn’t working… I wondered if I could get any lower. I pondered if I might be able to treat myself any worse. It was a turning point. 

In retrospect, after listening to countless horror stories of family drama and perceived parental abuses perhaps I was the one who fortune shone her lights on… No one telling me boring stories of lessons learned, fatherly advice forged in failure… 

What’s that light there at the end of that tunnel?

Dennis Mantin 

When I was a boy I was afraid to fight or hit anyone… 

I didn’t know how. 

I used to think about it… but could never see past the reaction of the first strike. Anger or laughter seemed both unbearable consequences. 

I don’t know when things changed,  but they did. It might have been around the time I overheard a stranger talking about raping my mother.  I put a shotgun in his face and said goodbye. I was maybe 8.

If I can arrive at the savagery around self protection that I get to when harm is being offered to those I love then that would be adequate. Awareness is the first step. Maybe this is what is meant by high self esteem. 

Dennis Mantin