I am allowing myself to be human today.

I have become increasingly attracted to an unhappily married woman. We have become friends… and really how can that possibly work?

I am at the point where I don’t know; which for me is as foreign as desire. When you spend your life trying to do the next right thing this seems strangely forgivable.

I was friends with Joe MacNamara for the last 100 days of his life. He was 72 and I was 42. We would attend 2 or 3 Alcoholic Anonymous meetings a day during this time.

I use his real name now because this is over 20 years ago and I know no one anymore who remembers my friend Joe.

Life is like that; you remain anonymous for decades and then no one remembers you for an eternity.

Joe was a gangster and a rebel in his younger days and he would talk and I would laugh and listen. He would say, “What are you hanging around here for? Get a job! You are young, go to work. “

I eventually took Joe’s advice. He didn’t seem to understand that I had a job. I just couldn’t be in possession of money at that time and maintain my sobriety.

I somehow learned this skill before I returned to work. It took 100 days and Joe’s death for this to be accomplished.

I work in the film industry. The money is good, however it is not nearly as glamorous as one might imagine.

No matter how much money I make, there always seems to be someone or something present on payday to take it away. Probably a Universal condition of my sobriety.

The Expectations were on fire.

Virtues had growing thin.

Love was hanging from worn wire.

And there was this need to win.

The penalties were not known.

Though lines were drawn in the sand.

Emotions were hot and blown.

And nothing much seemed planned.

You took the gold and money.

I have this heart and soul.

You aren’t laughing and you’re funny.

I’m with the kid: that’s how we roll.

I can feel that Change is coming. It is coming and going again.

It was bound to happen… Except no one could say when.

No signs are on the gate post. No notice is at the fair.

It’s just when we need it most. The clowns don’t seem to care.

They say misery loves companions. The way that lovers do.

And even they can cry at night. In my times I’ve seen a few.

There are clouds now in the heavens. Somehow it feels like rain.

There are whispers between raindrops saying, “Here we go again.”

Change is coming. I don’t want to say goodbye.

Sometimes there are reasons. Sometimes there’s a why.

I had no defense against her determination to lie…

Ned the cat has found a way to come in and out without the need for me to hold a door; she travels through the upstairs window.

I have lost interest in trying to predict the future.

Sleep walking through it all…

She has arrived and given meaning.

I am feeling something I won’t name for fear.

Complete and absolute fear of its departure.

I remember now what it was like without.

Going back seems so… yesterday.

However yesterday was quite spectacular!

She said, “Nothing is free.”

Everything else you pay for.

Maybe it’s just me.

Was hopeful for something more.

She gave into my desire and I felt that thing referred to as happy for a moment and then… it was over.

I put so much effort and hope for so little? A pebble in the mountains of life.

This is the error of men.

I won’t make this mistake again said no one ever.

My most memorable experiences have usually happened when I didn’t get what I wanted.

The ship ‘Good Intentions’ is burning now and I am in the lifeboat.

No one else seems to have made it out alive. The sun will soon break over the horizon.

There is at the very least, hope.

The water is calm with little in the way of wind.

I like the quiet…

‘They will probably hang me for this.’