I saw him before I heard him.

He was huge and sinewed and  quiet, the most dangerous kind. 

I wanted to be anywhere but there, but there I sat, frozen with fear, unable to take my eyes away. 

I was thinking that if you were at war and you had the choice of one person standing beside you, this was that guy; which was quickly followed by the dreaded thought that if he wanted to rip my head off my shoulders and crap down my neck, there was nothing I could do about it. 

While that thought was taking root, I heard him speak.  

“I’m an alcoholic. If I take 1 drink I will not stop until everything is gone and I’m lying in a ditch. If It was my will I’d still be out there drinking. But because I turn my will over each day I avoid the first drink. ”

He went on to talk about how weak he was and how every day he got down on his knees and prayed to God.

I never knew his name and I don’t know when I began to breathe again, but  I know I was changed.

15 days later I lost the obsession to drink, September 15th 2004.

Dennis Mantin 

I was walked to the front door of the treatment center by a crack addict by the name of Chico. 

In an attempt to overstate the obvious, I feel that it’s important here to emphasize how far down the rabbit hole I went, for this man to take the time out of his day to make certain that I found the right address.

Chico left me at the front steps of 54 Madison ave.

The joke goes – What’s the difference between a crack addict and an alcoholic?

They’ll both steal your money, however the crack addict will help you look for it later.

Ah contraire…

I have found the greatest acts of kindness in the most sordid of places.

Dennis Mantin 

I still had my membership at the Y. Frank appeared out of the mist in the steam room. ” Where are you living now?” Frank inquired. 

“I’m living in my art studio on Temperance. ”

“You wouldn’t catch me dead on a street named Temperance. ” Frank roared and threw his head back into the mist. 

Frank was a writer and we had drinks together on several occasions before I chased him down the street after taking offence to one of his opinionated  observations; he fleeing for his safety, at least in his mind.

I admitted I didn’t know the meaning of the word temperance. It turned out that a former owner of the land around Temperance and Young donated the land to the city of Toronto on the condition that no alcohol ever be sold on Temperance Street. 

My art studio was on the 2nd floor above Spreads, a bar that catered mainly to bike couriers and you’d be hard pressed to find an establishment that put out more in the way of alcohol and drugs. 

It was while I was here that I discovered Streetcity, a government funded crack whorehouse at Front and Cherry.

I ran into Jill on Young Street, who reeled at my appearance… I’d forgotten that I had a hairstyle and perhaps an attitude designed after Travis Bickle of Taxi Driver fame.

At some point the art studio outgrew its purpose and I was spending more and more time at Streetcity feeding my addictions.

I broke down at one of those meetings and said those awful words.

“My name is Dennis and I’m an alcoholic.”

That was the bottom. 

Dennis Mantin 

Order and chaos. Chaos and Order.

I loathed order in my youth, and embraced the insanity of the unknown. 

The bits in the middle were messy and stained with moments of creative spark that made the alternative bearable.

I love and crave order now, demand it really. I require that peace of mind and am addicted to that serotonin bath.

I was without balance and guidance and don’t recommend my path, however I regret little and am happy with where I’ve arrived.

Dennis Mantin 

“I want the tenacity of a tree, the patience of a rock, and the power of water. ”

My friend has it figured out. He’s a deep thinker with the experience and the wisdom of the ancients. 

I on the other hand would be happy with continued growth towards the life I’ve been granted here. 

Dennis Mantin 

My mother was raised in Paradise. 
Legend has it that nothing bad ever happens in Paradise. 

She was exiled for her sins, and  traveled to the city, where she met my father and before she died, she moved us to…God’s Country they called it.

God’s Country is just down the road from Paradise.

She died when I was 11 which ended my childhood and they buried her in Paradise and I eventually left God’s Country and ran to the city she left, to look for my father.

I don’t know why she told me my father was dead. 

I feared the truths of that rejection; but couldn’t look away  until I met him and that ended with a very great example of how not to be.

I understood him better than he knew himself but my help was not invited… Suffer if you must Dad but I’m going to stay in the city and try to make the best of it…

“Now your granddaughter wants to visit you Mom, so we’re returning to Paradise and your grave and it’s been so long since I’ve come to visit you and I’m glad I’m bringing her with me. I’ve never met anyone who has spoken about you more than our Zylia.”

After Paradise I hope we can visit God’s Country. 

Dennis Mantin

I want what I want and I want it NOW!!!!!!

I will move heaven and earth to get what I want to the point of incarceration or death.

I don’t care who takes offence or gets hurt… This is about me!

…

In early sobriety, reason and intellect begin to replace emotions, however emotions have bite and death doesn’t come easy.

I want what I want and I want it now.

Breathe. Relax. 

The reason THEY  suggest you get wise council or surround yourself with people you respect is… the thing that you are respectful of in others  is the ability to make decisions based on something other than emotions.

i want what i want and i want it now.

Dennis Mantin 

A dory is a small row boat used by fishermen.
I knew we were in trouble when I couldn’t get Dexter to sit down as he tried to untangle the net, rocking the dory; taking on river water.
My warning, ” We’re going to sink if you don’t sit down . ” Seemed to fall on deaf ears.
I remembered Harold’s wise words. ” If you think you’re going under, remove your rubber boots or you will drown.”
I was sitting in my socks in the middle of the river, bailing water with a rubber boot as the dory disappeared beneath me.
We had reached the tipping point.
The Atlantic Ocean water is cold in late October and adds weight to sweaters and wool.
I heard Dexter splashing, however my main focus early on, was to not get tangled up in the net. When I was sure I was clear I decided to allow my body time to recover for another push to shore. This required holding my breath and allowing myself to sink to the bottom Deception River.
It was here in the estuary with approximately 10 feet of the Atlantic Ocean over my head that I realized that it had been perhaps decades since I had prayed and this might be an opportune time to return to the practice. The prayer went something like this.
“Dear God… If you get me out of this; I will never drink again. ”
I pushed off the river bottom and swam towards shore in the darkness. I remembered Perry’s warnings, ” Don’t panic… to panic is death.” I sank, stayed calm, repeated and reached dry land .
Dexter yelled from the opposite shore.
I sat for a moment cold and grateful to be alive and thought to myself… If I don’t get out of here I’m going to die.Dennis Mantin

The fight happened at what was supposed to be a dance. 

The irony can’t be lost here. 

I probably had the exact proportion of alcohol required  to neutralise my fears, I was a chemist like that🤣

Then all hell broke out.

I don’t know what I said; but I was throwing my jacket over my head with a lung full of rage directed at the melee and everyone just stopped what they were doing  and were staring at me.

The band stopped playing and all eyes were on me, mouths agape. 

Many years later I told this to a warrior trying to get some clues. 

He smiled and said, “They were looking at their own fears… you scared them.”

I don’t think I ever went back. 

Dennis Mantin 

 I was like a fly on the  Wall… 

Almost invisible, an annoyance at best. They showed me their true selves… exposè.

An advantage of growing up in the Foster System. 

Among the gifts of the  unwanted, is the view of humanity in their natural habitat unencumbered with expectations of natural civility.

The faces change on the revolving stage and in time you  begin to wonder if everyone in this unhappy tragedy is really this savage and cruel? 

My mother returned in the second act when I was  5, which I have been told is miraculously rare.

This taught me about love and vigilance and her very presence was a demonstration to the power of prayer. 

The delusions of power and control swim nervously through  the noise of their minds, grasping, clawing, searching their own sufferings.

I am right here, a child.

I won’t hurt you. 

Dennis Mantin