There were gifts & expectations.

There were smiling, all aglow.

We had installed our hesitations.

From the well of need know.

Mom said, “You never look a gift horse.”

She just knew who she could trust.

They nodded yes, “Of course, of course.”

From the thicker upper crust.

I just couldn’t get the patter.

I just had to be that kind.

And in the end, it doesn’t matter.

The gifts are sometimes there to find.

The bad luck raised suspicions, on a path that was beat down.

No one dared to look within or see the wise men in the town.

It was happening for eons, as long as Grandad could recall.

Like a dark foreboding plank walk or a dream in which you fall.

Until the child spoke her words that, “Maybe somethings wrong with me?”

So we made a meeting with the Doc, down at the Family Psychiatry.

The doctor raised awareness and we all took a look.

Things are looking so good now, might take Grandma off the hook.

Now life is far from perfect however the family’s not so sad.

Looking in the mirror, not blaming blind luck, good or bad.

I hear the screams in the distant dark and my mind paints pictures for just milliseconds of assault and horror not to the drunken frivolity it is AND then I get back to reality of where I am being a single parent separated in a world of responsibility and comforts like Epson salt baths and butter chicken dinners and it makes me kind of wonder what in the name of the baby Jesus did I find so appealing about that world of screaming and drunken debauchery that now makes me recoil like a demon from holy water and there it is in a nutshell I have my answer I mean how else was I going to become a father??

She has tattoos of the moon and stars.

And a black Tabby long-haired coon.

She liked it rough in the back of cars.

With a boy, that was her ruin.

She lost her mind to disarray.

In a cocktail of her choice.

She listens. She don’t speak or say.

Many words in her own voice.

They broke her and her beauty.

To age, time, decay, decline.

It’s not true. I have this duty.

She was once a friend of mine.

She said she was a mother, but not much of a daughter.

Said, “You reap now what you sow.” Which landed like cold water.

I don’t believe in luck or the curse she said I brought her.

But to say that looks could kill. I was the lamb they brought to the slaughter.

I asked, “You don’t like men?” There was so much I could have taught her.

She was past the learning stage except from scars of those who fought her.

Baby took a deep dive, I wasn’t there, I could have caught her.

No crying over.spilt milk. Or whatever it was that got her.

The story is of dark and light.

Like night stars fade at dawn.

All are judging wrong from right.

The sun shines bright and then gone.

We run around, and then we sleep.

A mystery in those dreams.

And in that circle, where we keep.

A story not as real as it seems.

Everyone is guilty.

We all fall short of the glory of God.

We all want confession.

A cathartic release.

Clarity.

This is mine…

“It’s not all about the money…”

I said, carefully watching her reaction…

You can tell a lot about the mental make-up of an individual or lack thereof when you bring up the almighty dollar.

“And what else is there?! Came her reply.

Nothing more was needed; I decided right then that this would go no further. Now I was just going play it for some Tom Fuckery.

“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe spiritual matters could be considered… You know, maybe thinking of others in a less selfish, self-centered, narcissistic manner. Maybe taking some time to smell the flowers.”

“Is that going to put food on the table?” She snapped.

“Have you missed many meals? You don’t look like you’ve missed too many. “

“Are you calling me fat?”

“Goodbye.”

I don’t worry too much about love.

I have never been that cold.

Had it bad for scent and beauty.

No more meaning she could hold.

In the end, I grew from gullible.

I held on for the ride.

Like a soldier has his duty.

I kept all those things inside

It’s just daydreams hope desire.

I guess I am that blessed.

To know now how you felt then.

I just never would have guessed.

I don’t worry much about love.

My head it feels so clear.

No more hunger expectations.

I just walk the earth, my dear.