Having thoughts lots about dying.

And other things that I don’t know.

Its not the fear that’s got me down.

Just that I don’t want to go.

Now sure I know I have no choice.

Has been made abundant and clear.

This transformation is all the rage.

I just kinda like it here.

I hear all this complaining.

What’s wrong about this and that.

You never really stood a chance.

With an attitude like that.

It is drama in the kitchen.

Exaggeration on the phone.

Silence in the bedroom.

Until we are all alone.

It is drama all this bitchin.

Humiliation… no atone.

Beauty is just skin deep.

And Ugly goes to the bone.

I recognized my nature.

Not much was steeped in good.

There was this strange sensation.

Like maybe I just should.

Forget it all and start a new.

Take the narrow view to wide.

Take my head out from my ass.

And maybe look outside.

Not all is gain or glory.

Not all is pain and strife.

The road the path the choices made.

It’s a wild ride this life.

It happened at a party, the day after her 50th birthday…

They did have a celebration the night before for such an important milestone, however clearly not Grand Enough!

Her mother and sister were there laughing and dancing the following night, oblivious to the rage their joy and fun were causing.

No one could have known that the smiling woman at the round table who chose to sit with old childhood friends instead of her own family, was raging inside, that her mother and sister had such a wonderful happy loving relationship and that she was not part of that.

One of the most overlooked triggers in people who are miserable is the horror to be discluded. To be separated from; to not be included at the party.

Oh the hell there was and is to pay. They would know what wrath has brought!

Days later she was filling out a report at the police station, citing murderous intent. There must be justice! A warning of the danger to her and her daughter. Her daughter was not to be in the presence of her grandmother.

The fallout from this event has been nothing short of a tragedy.

A mother and daughter who have not spoken in 3 years.

A Sister who feels that she doesn’t have a Sister.

A father who said, “I am not saying my daughter is not welcome in my home however, whenever she is there; I won’t be.”

A child physically and mentally abused.

A mother losing custody of her child.

$100,000.00 in court costs!

A child who has not seen her mother in a year and a half.

False accusations of abuse.

All because of siblings jealousy over a mother’s supposed rejection.

And not a fucking scintilla of accountability for all the harm caused.

The bad luck raised suspicions, on a path that was beat down.

No one dared to look within or see the wise men in the town.

It was happening for eons, as long as Grandad could recall.

Like a dark foreboding plank walk or a dream in which you fall.

Until the child spoke her words that, “Maybe somethings wrong with me?”

So we made a meeting with the Doc, down at Family Psychiatry.

The doctor raised awareness and we all took a look.

Things are looking so good now, might take Grandma off the hook.

Now life is far from perfect however the family’s not so sad.

Looking in the mirror, not blaming blind luck, good or bad.

I took a 2 year break from Facebook and returned this week.

Immediately someone informs me that I won a $1,000,000.00 and eventually tells me that I would need to send them $300.00 before I received my winnings.

As a point of fact, I did not receive one scam offer in the 2 years I was away from Facebook.

On the positive side, I did however get to communicate with some cousins I hadn’t heard from in a while…

And I am getting contacted by a large number of 30 something women who are looking for relationships. The fact that I’m 63 and this is not deterring them in the least indicates to me that something is seriously wrong out there!

Might hang out here for a bit.

I got time, I grew old.

Heard it all, truth be told.

Had a fall, got the cold.

Came back strong, rock and rolled.

I got time, nothing planned.

Made a boast, nothing grand.

Burned a bridge, the fire fanned.

Lessons learned, lent a hand.

Joseph Conrad wrote in ‘Heart of Darkness.

“They were conquers… and for that you want brute force. Nothing to boast of really, when you have it, since everything you have is an accident, arising from the weakness of others.”

She tells me that my advice of ‘ignore them’ doesn’t work anymore.

Also holding up a hand and saying “STOP” isn’t working either.

I nodded, not convinced, but at least she’s talking to me about her struggles and these things take time. She is getting more tools in the the toolbox.

“You don’t need to stand there and argue with anyone. You have permission to just walk away.”

She nodded and got on the bus.

I’ve been thinking I might have gotten a few things wrong…

Little things like relationships.

Taking small things too seriously.

Not Walking away when every fiber screamed ‘RUN!’

This was my youth.

Not exercising the choice of NO. It’s a great time for me to be a parent. We talk about everything. She comes to me with the politics of her generation and not much has changed really on the schoolgrounds/sandbox except hair color and pronouns.