Tooter Declined

I met Jack while I was a waiter at ‘Frans’ which is one of the chain of diners on Young Street north of Ellington.

He was tall and this with long black curly thinning hair. He gave you the impression of that happy kid in High School who had taken the whole persona of being the most popular; a season or two to long. Jack was now 30.

Sarah Greenspoon was what the current generation would refer to as a ‘Karen.’ She would come into Frans day after day for no other reason it seemed than to abuse the wait staff. At first things usually went well.

The first waiter would put down a glass of ice water and gave Sarah a menu.

“Can I get you a beverage to start?” He smiled and asked.

“Why are you bothering me?” Sarah snapped.

She was thin and tiny with shoulder length blonde reddish hair and brown eyes. She would have been considered attractive and 30 if she never spoke; but soon as she opened her mouth she aged 20 years and was ugly to the bone. She grabbed the menu and got up and moved herself to another section in a huff. The little waiter looked around confused and eventually shrugged and left.

Jack looked at the manager and smiled.

“A regular?”

“Every fucking day!”

The manager grinned before continuing, never taking his eyes off Sarah.

“I swear if I never see this woman again… it will be too soon.”

It was a slow day and Jack and the Manager watched the scene repeat itself. Ice water, menu…

“Can I bring you a beverage to start, verbal abuse and move to another section.

Jack placed his hand on the managers shoulder and said,

“Put her in my section.”

The manager did that. Jack approached Sarah and put down a glass of ice water and a menu. He asked her about a beverage to start and Sarah berated Jack. Jack took her verbiage for a few seconds before he leaned over and whispered something in Sarah’s ear. All eyes in the restaurant were watching as Sarah’s face went into a sort of open mouthed perplexed shock.

Jack stood straight smiling and spoke loudly enough for us all to hear.

“And will there be anything else I can get for you?”

Sarah stood and pointed at the manager with one hand while her other hand knocked over the glass of water. The manager appeared and asked Sarah if anything was wrong. She brought back her hand that knocked over the glass of water and accidentally struck the manager across the face with the back of her hand which sent his glasses flying across the room. Sarah let out a groan as the manager yelled to call the police. Her arms swung around again, this time knocking over the cutlery as she hissed while eyeing Jack and pointing an accusatory finger!

“Did you hear what he said? Did you hear what he said!!??”

The manager found his glasses and locked eyes with Jack.

Jack smiled, “I just asked if she wanted our special.”

The police arrived quickly and handcuffed Sarah who never stopped screaming over and over…

“Did you hear what he said!?”

She never actually got to the point of actually saying what Jack said.

Days later, moments before Jack The Waiter retired from the service industry forever he admitted what he shared with Sarah.

“I asked her her if she would care to stick that abusive tongue up my tooter…”

Jack smiled before leaving. “She declined.”

Dennis Mantin

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