You do not know what you do not know.

There were a few disappointments and setbacks along the way; but really with nothing to compare it with, I just carried on…

My daughter put it into perspective for me after we got her assessed and found out that she is a gifted child; she said, “They told me for so long that I had a learning disability that I thought, why bother trying? After I got the assessment and found out that I had the abilities… I decided to put in the effort.”

Life is like that especially when you’re a kid: A positive attitude will make all the difference to build and a negative attitude will also have its power to destroy.

I’m guessing life is like that for adults as well however if you’re a child you’re a victim. If you’re an adult… you’re a volunteer.

I have that luxury! I support her…

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

A long time ago I could fall in love with a glance.

Neediness was the addiction…

Beauty the drug…

Zero self awareness; The problem.

I have moved past this hurtle with time into a more realist point of view which to me seems quite psychopathic when compared to my previous romantic leanings…

Change is good!

Writers and deep thinkers like Herman Hesse propose that if we see something in human behavior that we don’t like… Then we are observing something about ourselves that we find offensive.

I will admit that there is a possibility of this; however a certainty?

Quite often I see behavior in people that can be nothing short of mental illness. The fact that I don’t appreciate the finer details of insanity is not an indication of my own illness.

I’m sure I could convince Mr Hesse to the errors of his ways if he were still among us; however I have little willingness to educate those who keep banging this drum of supposed certainty.

When I was very young I noticed a trait in certain humans that confused me as to why they would do certain things…

My reaction to this behavior has always been fairly consistent: I would bewilderingly ask why? What was the gain? You destroyed your relationship with me for what? So little…

Yesterday I read a Dostoyovski quote that pretty much sums it up.

“Your worst sin is that you destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing. “

Perfect.

“

For years, I’ve been promoting Rule # 2 as ‘Never shit in your own nest’ and never clearly have stated ‘Rule number 1’…

‘Anything you have that you prioritize making money over you lose… ‘

The yellow bus is shaking, the steps are worn down.

The actors dreams forsaking, all except our featured clown.

There’s a a sadness to his armor and a stiffness to his smile.

He is on the yellow bus now and will be for a while.

Under makeup there’s a human; who wonders, ‘Who am I?’

No one gives an answer and the bus just drives on by.

It’s a long road if we’re lucky and a short one if we’re not.

The clown is in his mind now, where all battles now are fought.

It is s a lofty title, competitions an all time high.

The Chaos Queen is crowned tonight at the corner of high and dry.

My horse is in the running. No shackles are on her toes.

She will lead from wire to wire, and then lose it by a nose.

She will claim a great injustice, policemen will be called.

The crowd will be disjointed with most feelings left appalled.

The winner will be all smiles with a twinkle in her eyes.

The Chaos Queen will wear her crown made to fit most any size.

I’ve shared the story before about not recognizing myself in a school picture when I was 8 and because it seemed so unusual; I wondered the cause.

Last month I mentioned this to an actress who shared that as a young woman she lived in a nuns convent for a few months and there were no mirrors there.

“Were there any mirrors where you lived. ” She asked.

I could remember a small one above the pantry sink.

Ernistine said, “There were no mirrors in the house… maybe one in the parlor.”

“Yes! You are correct. I didn’t know what I looked like because there were so few mirrors in the house.”

Ernistine sold the last piece of land of that farm and now for me that farm has disappeared into the vestiges of the past… No reasons to go back there now that I can think of.

I want to tell a story; a novel.

I need to write it, to experience it again.

The first time I was in awe…

Just along for the ride.