I work when I need to.

If I work, I make money.

If I don’t work, I don’t make money.

Life is simple like that.

What is not so simple is that I have reached an age where the government owes me pension money.

I am not receiving said funds because, according to the people that make such decisions… I made too much money 2 years ago.

The irony of this is that I have less than $1000 in my bank accounts.

Being a single father of a 12 year old daughter who I am raising by myself, I was required by law to provide a nanny or daycare for my child when I was at work 2 years ago.

The bill for this service of a live-in nanny 2 years ago was $30,000.00…

My lawyer bills for 2 years ago was $80,000.00 for a custody battle.

I find it somewhat ironic that someone could legislate a money cap on earnings that affect future pension money and not consider such expenditures. The same people allow me to declare $5000.00 for daycare and nanny expenses in a year that cost me 6 times that amount.

Sometimes, the game feels rigged/fixed.

Fuck it! Push on. Don’t want to sound ungrateful!!

I just don’t want to imagine what people go through who don’t have access to all this fucking money!

I received my first cheque from the publishers this week. Of course, I will be taxed on this.

On the positive side of the ledger, I am no longer curious as to the multitude of possible reasons why someone would render to the life altering decision to sit on the sidewalk and be a bum…

“Jesus wept, and well, he might!”

I used to hear that intermittently when I was growing up from some exasperated human or poor soul no longer with us…

How they suffered with my youthful ignorance…

I see the others and their painful separations from family and marriage, and I see myself and my desire to be alone because in solitude is the only place I don’t feel criticized…

Mad Willie is in Miami, and he tells me that his children blame him and our generation for everything gone wrong in this world and that I am just going to have to learn how to smile and say nothing…

I have never had a successful relationship with anyone anywhere. I feel so very human and average in this regard…

Really, though, how does one measure success in the relationship realms?

Things are usually more complicated than a simple clichè.

Choosing an ideology wholeheartedly without proper investigation seems insincere at best.

I feel that way about atheists…

Such a thing to believe in nothing.

Seems empty to me.

I cannot wrap my thoughts around the existence of life without a God or Higher Power.

I see something sinking here.

Drifting… gone away.

Sinking to that bottom there.

No more light of  day…

Lately, I’ve been drinking here.

I’ve had so much to say.

There’s been all this thinking there.

I have to turn to look away.

It’s just these dreams. That I’m thinking of.

Oh, it’s not what it seems. I don’t believe in love.

Standing here at skies edge there.

With nothing but today.

Walking there on that ledge here.

Don’t you look the other way!!

Some days I just get things right here.

When I hear the  song you play.

Moves me to where I can see you there.

And not look the other way.

You move me… You do.

You move me, you do.

Its just those dreams, that I’m thinking of.

Oh, it’s not what it seems. I don’t believe in love.

I left them in the valley.

They didn’t move away.

They would live and some did die there.

I knew I couldn’t stay.

It’s sometimes just a feeling.

Not unlike you don’t belong.

Nothing that needs put into words.

Like a tune you hum along.

Now I’m older and I miss them.

Some will pick up when I call.

When we learn what is important.

If we dare to stand that tall.

A recent development in my life is my ability to say ‘NO!’ without explanation. The younger version of myself would not dare offend when asked for a favor.

Humans push boundaries and need push back or they will never know their place.

Being perceived as kind, generous and loving is a definite detriment in most company.

I’d been searching for the answers… When finally she came along.

Preforming miracles, curing cancers. Giving music to the song.

She taught and gave directions. Even when I didn’t ask.

She let me know my fortune. In her sunshine I could bask.

She showed me my misfortunes. And how little I evolved.

I felt criminally unworthy, so I left her. Mystery solved.

The bitter cold has lifted, the snowflakes melted wet.

The winds are more forgiving, we are huddled with feet set.

On ground as hard as clay, under sky as white as bone.

We are humbled and forgiven, yet we feel so all alone.

Maybe it’s just the season, it might be something more.

We are waiting on deliverance, in that distance there’s a roar.