God’s Country 

My mother was raised in Paradise. 
Legend has it that nothing bad ever happens in Paradise. 

She was exiled for her sins, and  traveled to the city, where she met my father and before she died, she moved us to…God’s Country they called it.

God’s Country is just down the road from Paradise.

She died when I was 11 which ended my childhood and they buried her in Paradise and I eventually left God’s Country and ran to the city she left, to look for my father.

I don’t know why she told me my father was dead. 

I feared the truths of that rejection; but couldn’t look away  until I met him and that ended with a very great example of how not to be.

I understood him better than he knew himself but my help was not invited… Suffer if you must Dad but I’m going to stay in the city and try to make the best of it…

“Now your granddaughter wants to visit you Mom, so we’re returning to Paradise and your grave and it’s been so long since I’ve come to visit you and I’m glad I’m bringing her with me. I’ve never met anyone who has spoken about you more than our Zylia.”

After Paradise I hope we can visit God’s Country. 

Dennis Mantin

Addict Mind 

I want what I want and I want it NOW!!!!!!

I will move heaven and earth to get what I want to the point of incarceration or death.

I don’t care who takes offence or gets hurt… This is about me!

In early sobriety, reason and intellect begin to replace emotions, however emotions have bite and death doesn’t come easy.

I want what I want and I want it now.

Breathe. Relax. 

The reason THEY  suggest you get wise council or surround yourself with people you respect is… the thing that you are respectful of in others  is the ability to make decisions based on something other than emotions.

i want what i want and i want it now.

Dennis Mantin 

Deception River 

A dory is a small row boat used by fishermen. 

I knew we were in trouble when I couldn’t get Dexter to sit down as he tried to untangle the net, rocking the dory; taking on river water.

My warning, ” We’re going to sink if you don’t sit down . ” Seemed to fall on deaf ears. 

I remembered Harold’s wise words. ” If you think you’re going under, remove your rubber boots or you will drown.”

I was sitting in my socks in the  middle of the river, bailing water with a rubber boot as the dory disappeared beneath me.

We had reached the tipping point. 

The Atlantic Ocean water is cold in late October and adds weight to sweaters and wool.

I heard Dexter splashing, however my main focus early on,  was to not get tangled up in the net. When I was sure I was clear I decided to allow my body time to recover for another push to shore. This required holding my breath and allowing myself to sink to the bottom Deception River.

It was here in the estuary with approximately 10 feet of the Atlantic Ocean over my head that I realized that it had been perhaps decades since I had prayed and this might be an opportune time to return to the practice. The prayer went something like this. 

“Dear God… If you get me out of this; I will never drink again. ”

I pushed off the river bottom and swam towards shore in the darkness. I remembered Perry’s warnings, ” Don’t panic… to panic is death.” I sank, stayed calm, repeated and reached dry land .

Dexter yelled from the opposite shore. 

I sat for a moment cold and grateful to be alive and thought to myself… If I don’t get out of here I’m going to die.

Dennis Mantin 

The Last Dance

The fight happened at what was supposed to be a dance. 

The irony can’t be lost here. 

I probably had the exact proportion of alcohol required  to neutralise my fears, I was a chemist like that🤣

Then all hell broke out.

I don’t know what I said; but I was throwing my jacket over my head with a lung full of rage directed at the melee and everyone just stopped what they were doing  and were staring at me.

The band stopped playing and all eyes were on me, mouths agape. 

Many years later I told this to a warrior trying to get some clues. 

He smiled and said, “They were looking at their own fears… you scared them.”

I don’t think I ever went back. 

Dennis Mantin 

Fly on the Wall

 I was like a fly on the  Wall… 

Almost invisible, an annoyance at best. They showed me their true selves… exposè.

An advantage of growing up in the Foster System. 

Among the gifts of the  unwanted, is the view of humanity in their natural habitat unencumbered with expectations of natural civility.

The faces change on the revolving stage and in time you  begin to wonder if everyone in this unhappy tragedy is really this savage and cruel? 

My mother returned in the second act when I was  5, which I have been told is miraculously rare.

This taught me about love and vigilance and her very presence was a demonstration to the power of prayer. 

The delusions of power and control swim nervously through  the noise of their minds, grasping, clawing, searching their own sufferings.

I am right here, a child.

I won’t hurt you. 

Dennis Mantin 

Transition 

I move more quietly now, not unlike a contented baby, except now the grey has taken hold. 

I have suckled from the breast of knowledge and have grown bloated… heavy in my contentment. 

I am preparing for the transition away from middle world  towards the unknown.

This will hopefully take much time as I am fond of life here, breathing, touching, seeing, loving. 

I may seem less passionate however it’s a mask covering the truth that I am not so eager to change others. 

Or maybe I have learned to steal from the sociopaths that surround me, or have I lost the will to care?

I don’t know. 

Dennis Mantin